empty feeling

1.

Last night Sarrah said to me, “We are not forcing you to do anything. Just tell us what you want. We’ll help you.” such perspective and support from her surprised me for I have come to expect indifference or at best, scorn from her. And it touched me to hear those words. Not because there was no pressure to give up what  I didn’t want. I have been fairly lucky that way. If you don’t want to do something, just say it. We’ll let you out. But the reason better be good.

The sad part is, I never have the reason.I never know what I want in the first place. Just a whisper shouting in my ear, banging my head with its enormous arms, this is not it. Keep looking. Keep hunting. You may reach it one day or you may die not having heard a word from it. But this my dear, is not it. So give it up before you are in too deep. And keep searching. keep yearning. Keep longing. Maybe one day, with any luck, you will truly become mad.

There’s so much inside me, wanting to come out but I can’t figure how to let it out. There’s a drawer full of things inside me. So many things. So much to say say.I can feel their weight. Only I don’t have the slightest idea how to twist the knob so the drawer can reveal its contents. And I fear it will all rot inside, no one will ever be able to open it. All the ideas, stories, love, thoughts will be dead from lack of air. They’ll fade away. And I won’t even realize it. Because I’ll have carried and felt their weight for so long that it will become a part of me. The weight will no longer be a burden. And so when it will go, I won’t even notice. Because the feeling will always stay. The hope to open the drawer shall always be there.

The hope never dies.